Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Mistakes, Miracles, and Belonging

Tilly's Nest : Mistakes, Miracles, and Belonging


Re-Blogged :

I think during the holidays, I seem to find myself thinking about the blessings that I am fortunate to have. I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes people happy.  What makes me happy. I mean truly at the core. I’m not talking about the happiness that is fleeting, like when you buy a new outfit. I’m talking about the kind of happiness that lives in your heart and soul. What I am discovering is that despite being surrounded by “friends” on social media and interacting with them on a daily basis. Many people rarely touch on their loneliness and lack of belonging. I rarely talk about a dark time in my life. It was oh so long ago, but it was a time filled with self-discovery, mistakes, miracles, and the sense of belonging while on the brink of death.


Many, many, moons ago, when I was young. Over half my lifetime ago actually. I spent months in the hospital after a terrible medical mistake. What was supposed to be an outpatient procedure for my appendix turned into months. I nearly died. I got to the point where I would drift to and from, in and out of consciousness, while I was kept alive by beeping, oxygenating, sucking and pumping machines that held onto my life. They were automatic, so I could use whatever energy was left in my body to fight.  I couldn’t eat, had difficulty breathing, couldn’t walk, couldn’t sit up, and I was fighting two infections in my bloodstream after undergoing multiple surgeries to correct surgical damage.  I knew it was really bad, when they eventually began weighing me everyday. I had shrunk and withered down to 70 pounds. How could I have any reserves left to fight?
After eight weeks in the hospital, the doctor told me that they were using a “Hail Mary” medication through the IV. It was either going to kill me or save me. He told me he couldn’t let a nineteen year old girl die. He wasn’t ready. Little did he know that I was. After all, he had called in an infectious disease doctor from Yale University. He asked for a favor. He didn’t know I was already at peace. I can remember laying there and thinking that it was okay to let go. It was surreal. Nothing mattered other than what I needed most. What I needed most was all around me, my friends and family. I belonged to them and they loved me. They were there, in person, supporting me whichever way my life was going to go. They took shifts around the clock and not once did they leave my side. Fortunately, I survived and came out on the other side a different person.
I can remember that night, as the new medication flowed into my body praying and asking God for his guidance and wisdom. Asking him if it was my time. The medications side-effects were causing confusion, soaring high fevers, chills and sweats. They were poisoning me so that I could live. Then in a complete moment of clarity, I recall asking God that if he let me live, that I would dedicate my life to helping others. As soon as I began relearning and focusing on gathering the strength to learn how to sit, eat, and walk again, I applied for nursing school.
So many years now have passed but I carry that story with me everyday. I haven’t shared it with many and this is the first time I have made this public. I guess I felt that it was time. Another moment of healing I suppose. I had so much time to think back then without distractions. Lying there for hours, days upon days. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t remind myself of the important things.
Important things:
Warm place to live shelter
Relationships= Love and belonging
Everything else does not matter.
Everything else does not matter.
Back in the olden days, we all needed to know our neighbors. The farmer fed us. The teacher taught us. The doctor cured us. The mill created wood to build our homes. The neighbor looked out for us and helped with projects and so it goes. Most everyone kept their own flock of chickens. Everyone had a purpose and they needed us as much as we needed them. Because of that we were kind to one another. We looked out for one another and made house calls instead of telephone calls and texts. I look around and think how very far away we have come from that. What made us disconnect with one another?

From Sarah : Read the read of this post at the link  here :